I was raised in a psychic household where a mis mash of New Age beliefs and tarot cards were used whenever decisions needed to be made. I knew that I had three angels looking over me at all times, telekinesis was real, and the dead could communicate with me if I wanted it badly enough. They were also bad spirits and bad energy lurking around, so it was important to communicate with my angels and keep white light around me. Because I knew all of this, it made me very special.
As I grew into my teens, I became crippled by all of these things. I couldn't make any decisions or decide how I felt about anything without consulting tarot cards and looking for signs in a painful, I almost OCD like manner. I was perplexed that I never felt a sense of certainty. I was also unable to confide in my peers about any of this, because I was told that they would think I was strange. I felt very alone.
When I was in study abroad in college, I was having a hard time and feeling homesick one day. I pulled out a few books I had brought along about psychic and spiritual life. I spread them onto the foot of my bed and stood over them. In that moment I realized that I wasn't making my own life choices. I had externalized my own decision-making skills into these books and beliefs that I saw before me.
This started a long process of losing my religion and coming to terms with the fact that I was an atheist. The scariest part for me was admitting to myself that I didn't have any angels looking over me. I was plagued with insomnia and nightmares for weeks after that, because I didn't know how to protect myself from the demons that the angels had always kept at bay. Eventually I laughingly realized that if my angels didn't exist, why would the demons exist? I slept peacefully after that.
I also remember waking up one morning and watching the sunrise for the first time as an atheist and marveling in the beauty of the world that we live in. It was one of the most magical moments of my life.
Because my family is very liberal they've had no problem with me or my brothers coming out as queer. But sadly, my relationship with my mother has diminished since coming out as atheist. She is very active as a psychic and gives readings often. I have tried, but I can't bond with her like before, and she avoids my texts and calls. I never wanted to lose her. Where there was warmth in our relationship, it's now cold. I hope this will change someday.
Rose, Former Psychic